Mid week posts ohno…
na..it’s okay, just needed to blurt a little. I’ll try to keep to just the once a week posts but today is special. Because I need to reward myself for doing the right thing. I don’t need public recognition (okay maybe I do actually) but I have to say this stuff aloud to someone, anyone, it’s a big deal to me and if I could have it written in the sky I would. Today my spirit won!
Remember in my last post when I said that I had been prescribed pain meds? (I have to be brutally honest, it’s just who I am, who I want to be.) It wasn’t going too well for me. I wasn’t abusing them, yet. I kept myself to a strict schedule; two a day, one after the kids were off to school and one after everyone went to bed. I had a serious heart to heart with myself last night. I could see the patterns starting all over again because like I said I’ve been down this road too many times. If it were alcohol I struggle with, would just a drink or two here and there be okay? No. I didn’t think so. Even with just the two a day, the addiction had already crept silently back into my life. The headaches, the rage fits, the constant thinking about nothing else but when I was Allowed to take my next pill, waiting for the “kick” and wondering how long until I would need two pills at a time to get it…it was all slowly starting to show me that my addiction was taking control again. But I felt stuck. In the past I’ve tried giving them to someone to “hold” for me so I wouldn’t have control of the bottle. That doesn’t work, and in fact is just more addiction behavior for me. I thought about it long and hard last night. I decided I would call the doc this morning and ask for advice.
“Go back to the pharmacy and give them what you have left.” the nurse at the doctor’s office said. I felt a knot in my stomach start to form. My thoughts started racing.. what if I need them back? What if I am in pain again tonight and I don’t have them because I gave them back? I don’t know if I can do that. Maybe I was wrong; maybe I can just stop taking them and keep them just in case. If I give them back then what will I do when I hurt again? (BTW I know all these thoughts as the voice of my addiction) ” We will prescribe something else and we will get you through this without those pills” she said, as if that was going to ease my apprehension. Reluctantly, I agreed to take them back.
God was allowing a test of my character, my friends. I stared at the bottle. I thought, ‘ I should take a few out before I turn them in..just in case.’ sort of a have-my-cake-and-eat-it-too resolution. “NO!” I told myself out loud. “Now do this before you lose your guts!” and with that I grabbed the bottle and flew out the door. (insert ironic chuckle here) Wouldn’t you know it, when I got to the pharmacy they were still closed! Not open til nine the clerk said. I asked for the store manager. I told the manager if I didn’t give them up right then I’d likely lose my nerve and not come back when the pharmacy opened. With the smile of an angel she said she was proud of me and that she would for sure take them into custody for me. The deed was done. I felt like throwing up on the way home.
Son of a bitch that was the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done! I could hear my thoughts so loud in my head I thought it was going to explode. Everything in me tried to stop me from doing the right thing. The easy thing would have been to fool myself into thinking I was going to be able to control this..just keep quiet and ignore my problem I was creating AGAIN. The easy way would have been to see that pharmacy closed and tell myself it was a sign I should keep them or tell myself I’ll come back after they open. The easy way is not always right.