Freedom

Freedom.

Freedom…

That word looks so short and small yet it’s vastness is beyond any words used to describe it when you truly experience it’s meaning.

I experienced freedom this last week, in a huge way, in many ways.

I understand now that I can be myself, even if people don’t like me.  Not everyone is going to like me no matter what I do to try to please them.  AND this is not a problem.  It is okay that there are people who don’t like me in the world and them not liking me doesn’t need to effect the way I live.  I can not change who I am to please everybody.  That is a betrayal of my own right to be who I am.  I Do have a right to be who I am.   If I’m busy trying to be something I’m not, to be what other people think I should be, then I have no time to even try to figure out who I really am. Who am I and who do I want to be?  I’ve never even given myself a real shot at trying to find the answer to that question.  I’ve been so tangled up in being the perfect daughter, the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect sister, the perfect friend, the perfect neighbor,  somewhere along the line I got it in my head I couldn’t be the perfect me.  No wonder I have such a deep feeling of failure.

I decided this week to stop being what everyone else wants me to be.  I decided I can only be who I am.  If I like to wear peanut butter spread on my toes before bed then that is what I will do but I wont let others tell me that it’s not okay anymore.  (I don’t like to do that btw)

This decision has some consequences, I know, and I will face them as they come.  Still, I’m done letting others dictate for me the way I should live my life.  So what if my green hair, ripped and bloody clothes and my red contacts make me look like a Zombie every day.  My life, My way.  So WhAT if I waNt Tio Spell whroNG and punCuATE incorrecvtely!!!   I don’t have to fix any of it.  My real friends, who love me for me, know what I meant and they understand me or they don’t understand me but they still love me anyway.  Either way, … I am living in freedom!

So Mom, I’m sorry I’m gay,(I’m not) and Dad, I’m sorry I can’t shoot hoops like my bro (uh yeah that one’s true) but Damn, I deserve to be loved because I am beautiful just the way I am!  Even if I didn’t have any talent (which I do)  why do I need greatness to define my contentedness with myself?  I understand I need aspirations but they don’t need to be so extraordinary that they are unobtainable for me.  Moreover, following someone else’s aspirations for my life is a deadly binding.  My most epic failures were because I was afraid to be myself.  I forced myself to attempt impossible things that weren’t meant for me.  Equally, my biggest disappointments have generally been because I denied myself out of fear of rejection by others.  Who cares if the butcher hates me… I am still going to be vegetarian.(again not possible. I love meat.)

My friends, what I’m trying to say is that my freedom is precious to me (in fact, people have died and die everyday to give me my freedom) and up until now I didn’t even know I wasn’t living in it.  I hope you won’t do as I used to do.  I hope you will live in freedom and be who you want to be.

I’m going now but I’ll be back next week.

In Freedom,

The Peridot Pixie

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