I know, 😦 the title …I’m sorry, but not sorry enough to change it….
I would like to know from you guys.
What is acceptable when it comes to having negative rants on your blog?
I’ve tried to write an update on my medical issues for a while now but all that’s coming out is…well….verbal poo.
I understand venting and I think there is a level of degree difference between the two.
This internal struggle is causing me to not want to write here and silence is all I have to offer when I try to post.
I didn’t really start writing this blog to please an audience though I knew eventually I would have one and that would change the direction of this space a bit.
I have received some feed back in the past that writing about anguish to release it can lead to upsetting other people because they came to read something else.
Sometimes people have felt burdened by my insistent complaining about my woes.
I know friends are not for dumping on.
I also believe friends do help carry the load.
I would not want to see someone else suffering alone. I would try to help even if all I could do was listen and nod my head in empathy.
I have even done that for strangers. I’ve prayed with them too.
Does that make me different than most?
Do most not want to hear the pains of others?
I can’t stop this one…
It seems I’m determined to say something about my medical frusrtations…I’m sorry.
If you don’t want to hear it just skip this post..
I’ve used Blogging 101 to put a superficial coating on my posts so I didn’t have to get too personal right now because all the personal is mostly bad. I’m hurting and I’m pissed and I’m repeating the mistakes of my past all over again with the pills though I tried not to, I ended up here anyway and I’m fiending for recovery support that tells me that it’s okay to NEED the pills right now because there is something wrong! I want someone to say it’s not my fault that the doc is taking 5 months plus to test me for everything under the sun while she puts me on this and that and then takes me off to put me on this or that else. I want a sponsor to say that I can take these pills because it’s the only way to handle living with the pain until they get off the pot and do something to fix me….what if there is no way to fix me? What if what I’m experiencing is more of the Fibromyalgia stuff and there is no “cure”? Am I then entitled to a regimen of pain meds without being called an addict? I made those pill last over a month past the refill date. I carefully scrutinized my every dose, making sure I was not taking it for fun but because I was in excruciating pain that was impeding my need to perform simple tasks like getting up to use the restroom or standing to cook food or wash dishes. Bending for doing laundry has been out of the question, so has picking things up off the floor. The twisting and pulling back and forth of the vacuum or the broom or the mop.. out of the question too. I’ve needed help for a while and I’m getting – here take this and you’ll feel better. I feel sick and when that’s over the pain is back. I condition myself to endure the sick and then my tolerance builds….Addiction…..but I feel it has been forced, that I have no other options or even that they tricked me by saying this is less than that so it’s better…it never was, to someone like me it’s all poison eventually,.. isn’t it?
My doc said my MRI came back clear. She said I had a small bulge but it wasn’t pressing on anything so I was fine. She gave me copies of the final report and I am going to share them with you…tell me if you think I have a right to be frustrated.
I know it’s not huge and that I could be in a lot worse condition but I still think it is not okay to tell the patient(me) there is “nothing important” on the MRI.
And combined with my Fibro, this could explain all the pain, couldn’t it?
So chronic pain what do I do with that? How do I explain (understand myself) that I need(?) pain meds and that my addiction is not controlling me, nor will it be.
Or am I just fooling myself?
I’m sorry if this is verbal poo.
I started this blog to speak my mind so that I could maybe find others who shared my views, opinions and/or struggles.
I don’t know if I have any like-minded readers, but if I do…
if you’re out there…
Can you tell me if it’s okay to verbally poo here when I need to rant about my medical treatment?
Taking a big breath and pressing publish is all that’s left to do.
I hope this is received with compassion, empathy, and love,
whoever and wherever you are.